Bliss = Spiritual Joy

Blue

2011-01-13T21:59:00.002-06:00

OK, so my co-worker is 23. She's cute as a button, vivacious, smart, driven and dating a former coworker. I, on the other hand, am dating no one. There is no one hiding in the shadows with a secret crush on me. How do I know this you ask? I just do. Life does not work that way for me. I am fun, funny and everyone likes me, but there are no hidden crushes and it makes me sad. So there.

Why?

2010-12-31T20:18:00.003-06:00

I have a friend I have been fighting/arguing with a lot lately. I'm extremely uncomfortable with that.

My Mom

2010-12-30T11:49:00.000-06:00

My sponsor gave me an assignment. It was to write a letter to my Mom. She died in 1987 from lung cancer. It was really quick. She was diagnosed in late 1985 and by June 1987 she was gone. She and my dad NEVER told us that she was terminal. My mom was like that. She was incredibly strong. She would do anything for you. Fierce. I think that would be appropriate. She had a sense of humor that could knock your socks off. My mom and I didn't get along so well while I was a teenager, but by the time I was out of college and married, we'd become best friends. I went over every morning to have coffee with her and my grandmother, her mom, and the same every evening. From her house to mine was probably 8 minutes max. When Teresa said I should write a letter to my mom and tell her how I felt about her dying, I didn't think I'd be able to. I think about my mom just about every day. Sometimes it's fleeting, but sometimes it's not and I wasn't sure I wanted to chance reviving all the memories. I've written the letter, though and I've read it to Teresa. What I discovered while writing it, is that I am grateful for the woman my mom was because...that's who I am. Those qualities she had, humor, strength, fierceness? I have them, too.

The Power of 50

2010-12-29T16:13:00.002-06:00

I am 50. I am actually 50 and 3 days. I was prepared for hitting the mid-century mark in some ways, but have found in other ways, am not.

I don't wear junior size clothes anymore. I have to get out my reading glasses to read small print and if I can't find my glasses, a magnifying glass suffices. My hips hurt when it's cold and rainy.

Hate

2010-02-05T09:37:00.001-06:00

I have found myself saying I "hate" about two different people lately. That is unsettling.

Frustration

2010-02-03T16:17:00.002-06:00

The last few days, beginning Saturday night, I have been teetering on the edge of screaming frustration. NO ONE is doing it right. How arrogant is that? Like I really have a monopoly on what's right? I guess sometimes I feel that way. My parents, for whatever they lacked, really did raise a polite kid so I can't scream and tell impolite people that they're being rude or that the behavior is really juvenile. ARGH!

Last Night

2010-01-28T06:58:00.002-06:00

Last night I went to the Chicago Group to hear my friend, Sheri, tell her story. I'm awed at the beautiful woman she has become. I remember meeting her early in her journey and she was CRAZY. Her nickname was Zoom Zoom. She still moves pretty quickly but in a totally different direction. She's very involved in her church, she goes on several mission trips a year, she works tirelessly for the homeless. This is the girl who likes to have pedicures and would love to have unlimited access to Jimmy Choo shoes. She's also the girl who comes home from her mission trips talking about the children she's worked with who have head lice and she hugs anyway. Also the ones who are terribly excited just to be able to go to the bathroom, successfully. I feel very blessed that she (and so many other fabulous women) are in my life. It gives me something to aim for and the bar is pretty high.

Just Some Random Thoughts

2010-01-27T05:46:00.002-06:00

In 1995 I got sober, 1997 married and a job I kept for 8 years, 1998 divorced and a dog, 2000 bought my first (and only) house, got a series of dogs, 2000 - 2010 a series of bf's and dogs. 2010??? It's for me, baby.

The Puzzle

2010-01-26T05:53:00.003-06:00

I heard once that our lives are like a puzzle. The pieces start out in a box all scrambled up together and one piece at a time the picture gets clearer. The thing is, with the puzzles of my childhood, I got tired of working the puzzle and it lay on the card table with no purpose and no clarity. Usually boredom, a rainy day, a frustrated parent, encouraged me to "work the puzzle" again. So with renewed determination I'd sit at the table and worry the pieces into place. At 49 years old, with some recovery behind me and with wonderful people in my life, I'm beginning to understand that the joy and satisfaction really isn't seeing what the big picture is going to be. It's putting my mind to work and concentrating on what's in front of me. The puzzle pieces are important, yes, but the big picture? God is the only one who knows, really knows, what that is. My purpose is not to "worry" the pieces into place. My purpose is to sit at the table.

Practice

2010-01-25T16:54:00.002-06:00

To be a writer one must write. I am pursuing a dream from childhood and to start I have to start writing. I had a great conversation with my friend, Christine, on Saturday and am motivated to follow my heart. Blogging again is a start.

Mom

2009-03-25T21:35:00.002-05:00

My sponsor gave me an assignment. It was to write a letter to my Mom. She died in 1987 from lung cancer. It was really quick. She was diagnosed in late 1985 and by June 1987 she was gone. She and my dad NEVER told us that she was terminal. My mom was like that. She was incredibly strong. She would do anything for you. Fierce. I think that would be appropriate. She had a sense of humor that could knock your socks off. My mom and I didn't get along so well while I was a teenager, but by the time I was out of college and married, we'd become best friends. I went over every morning to have coffee with her and my grandmother, her mom, and the same every evening. From her house to mine was probably 8 minutes max. When Teresa said I should write a letter to my mom and tell her how I felt about her dying, I didn't think I'd be able to. I think about my mom just about every day. Sometimes it's fleeting, but sometimes it's not and I wasn't sure I wanted to chance reviving all those memories. I've written the letter, though and I've read it to Teresa. What I discovered while writing it, is that I am grateful for the woman my mom was because...that's who I am. Those qualities she had, humor, strength, fierceness? I have them, too.

Naked Crabs

2009-03-24T20:03:00.004-05:00

I have a copy of a story my sponsor gave me years and years ago. It's called Naked Crabs. Basically, it's the story of how hermit crabs have to move from one shell to another when the first shell becomes too small. There's a period of time between one shell and the next when the crab is vulnerable...naked. I love the story, though, because it describes my life to a tee. I am a recovering alcoholic and my shell is constantly getting too tight. Like the crab, the longer the shell has been growing around me, the harder it is to break open. The more painful the breaking becomes. To avoid the pain, I prefer sometimes to stay in the shell that is too tight and no longer fits very well, rather than risk being vulnerable. The thing is, like the hermit crab, if my shell becomes too thick, too protective, too rough to crack open and start again, I can't grow anymore and I die.

I am vulnerable and naked and am scurrying to my next shell. Treat me gently.

Self Inflicted Pain

2009-02-01T08:28:00.003-06:00

You know those little bitty scabs you get from say running into a holly bush or something? They hurt a lot when it happens, the pain goes away pretty quickly but the scabs remain? You don't even realize they're still there until you bump into them and you say "oh that hurts." That's the kind of emotional pain I've been in for a while now. The thing is, I can't will it to stop. If that was the case, I'd be shooting rainbows and lollypops out my ass. Instead, some days I wake up and wonder what the hell happened this past year? I met someone, it was wonderful for about half the time and the last half not so good. It still amazes me that I thought I knew someone so well and we shared so much and later to find out how much I was deceived. I wish in a way I could hate that person, but I can't. I gave him my heart. I truly believe, though, with gifts given we don't get to dictate how the person uses the gift. I don't want to stop giving gifts because of how the receiver used the gift.

Angry Sadness

2009-01-25T20:43:00.002-06:00

It's time. Time to vent. Anger is an uncomfortable emotion for me and one I avoid at all costs. I considered myself pretty controlled. I guess that's the truth until it something really important and close to me. I got some news a couple of weeks ago that allowed the anger monster to come unleashed. I don't feel very good about how I vented and I certainly don't think the person I vented on deserved it. Everyone deserves to have somone in their life that trusts them. That's my conclusion after two weeks of being angry.

Blog Stagnation

2008-12-10T16:00:00.002-06:00

Well, as can be seen by the date of my last post, I've not felt any overwhelming need to "blog." I have, instead, been spending a massive amount of time on Facebook. Is the future of the world as we know it in social networking? I love the fact that I can log onto Facebook and just read what my friends feel are the most important thing for me to know about them at that moment and I do the same. I swore adamantly that I would not join Facebook and just this morning was seeing if I had hit the magical number of 100 friends yet. Hmm.

Van Morrison

2008-10-08T13:00:00.001-05:00

Every song Van Morrison sings on his album "Still on Top: The Greatest Hits" reminds me of the Seattle days for some reason.

Facebook

2008-09-20T08:50:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged much because I've been caught up in the Facebook craze. Or at least it's been a craze for me. Some folks have been using it (or on it) for a while. Not me. My best friend suggested I join and I protested, but did and now it's become another addiction. Like Craig's List and before that Debt Consolidation Forum and before that E-bay. I suppose there are far worse addictions. My best friend has confessed to a QVC addiction, for instance. At least I don't have that one...yet.

Sigh

2008-08-31T20:15:00.002-05:00

Breath. I've never consciously thought about my breath until I started taking yoga. Breath is the essence of life. In and out. Our bodies take care of it. We just hang on for the ride, but, I can testify that I can consciously hold my breath. Today about 8 a.m. I took the biggest breath in and let the biggest breath out and then danced around my kitchen. It wasn't ballroom dancing, it was jump up and down and sling your head around dancing. The roommate has left and I am so happy.

August

2008-08-29T17:45:00.003-05:00

August 2008 has been the longest month ever. Let me just tell you that I prayed for God's guidance a bunch this month. It has been one of the hardest times emotionally of my sobriety. It's not that the situation has been dire by any means, it's just been very uncomfortable. I was really worried about my finances and thought I'd see about getting a roommate. I put an ad on line and got zero responses for a while and I thought, well that's just God's will right now. Then I got a response and it took a while for her to decide whether she wanted to come live here and I thought, well that's just God's will. Then she moved in and decided two days afterward that it wasn't the right place for her. She paid for the whole month of August, though, and didn't move! I have been so uncomfortable in my own home. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept the whole night through since the beginning of August. It's really beginning to tell on me. God's will apparently isn't always the easier softer path. I'm sure there is a lesson in this for someone. It may not even be me, but I really hope there's something to be learned from this.

Names

2008-08-28T12:55:00.002-05:00

I have a theory. I think when children are born, that their parents should only be allowed to give them temporary names. Names the children can answer to until they have an opportunity to decide for themselves what names they like. I'm thinking in particular of someone I know who she and her husband named their daughters two of THE strangest names. I would imagine that when one of them in particular gets to school age, she is going to hate her parents.

I Am

2008-08-25T06:33:00.004-05:00

Powerless. I am convinced. The First Step is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--and our lives had become unmanageable." Thirteen words and teeny dash that have changed my life. I am powerless over _______. Just fill in the blank. One day it could be money, one day it could be my job, one day it could be my crazy emotions. And the part after the dash, whoa, that is an ongoing battle for me. The irony of the step, for me, is that I thought I was managing my life. I had every one of the glass balls that are the parts and pieces of my life, up in the air and spinning. Spinning and flying so fast that I couldn't stop. It's like if you start running down a hill. There comes the time when you realize that if you stop you're screwed. You have to keep running or you're going to fall and roll.

I have found through AA a power that I believe in. I call the power God, but it's not the God of my childhood. It's not the God of the First Baptist Church of Hugo OK or the God of the First Presbyterian Church of Hugo. It's MY God and every single time that I allow that God to manage my life, my life and all its spinning and flying balls becomes calmer and more serene.

I've heard from some AA's with long term sobriety that one day I may not have to start running down the hill before I give my unmanageable life back to God.

Corroding Thread

2008-08-10T07:37:00.005-05:00

I have been in a funk for the last couple of days. Yesterday, while talking to my best friend, I tried to identify what it was exactly that was bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on it. If I dig really deep, which I don't want to, it will probably end up being fear. It always is. Fear of what I might not get, fear of what I might lose, fear of the what ifs. There's a line in the Big Book that says fear is an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence is shot through with it. That's me, right now. The BB says to review our fears thoroughly and ask ourselves why we had them. "Isn't it because self-reliance failed us?" I keep going back to God is either everything or God is nothing. What is my choice to be. If I believe God is everything, fear goes away because I KNOW God will take care of my every need. If I let myself begin to believe I have my life under control all on my own, then I begin to get fearful because I know I can't handle it.

Wheels on the Bus

2008-07-29T15:15:00.001-05:00

On the urging of my best friend, it’s time to blog.

Let’s see about where to start. How about 4th of July in Destin. It was really wonderful. It was just the right amount of time away. The weather was great, the food fabulous and the company was all good. Some blips, a kind of crazy cousin, jelly fish in the water, too much corn!

News from Lee … he’s still using and now has checked himself into a detox place.

I’m getting a roommate. Her name is Melissa. I felt as if I was in a competition and won. She came to the house twice to look it (and probably me) over. She’s moving in on Saturday. That will be extraordinarily helpful monetarily.

The fan in my car has been making a racket and I took it to the Mini Cooper place to have the mechanic take a look. Luckily, this mechanic dates a friend of mine and has been very helpful on other things wrong with my car. The bad news is it is the compressor, the good news is he found a compressor that just needed something that mine already had. I don’t quite understand what is going to happen except it’s going to be FREE!! I plan on taking him and his girlfriend, Denise, out for a really nice dinner.

I road the bus to work today. I felt very “green.”

My question to ponder: When Brad and Penny were married I seldom, if ever, talked to either of them. Now they’re divorced and I hear from both pretty frequently. Wonder who stopped the communication when they were together?

Family

2008-07-09T11:29:00.003-05:00

Destin

2008-07-08T06:28:00.002-05:00

I just returned from visiting my brother in Florida. My best friend, her fiance and I drove. It was a 12 hour drive. We played Taboo on the way there and for the most part drove in silence on the way home. I slept, the best friend slept and listened to her Ipod and the fiance drove. It was very nice. We ate lots of seafood while in Destin, went to the beach on the 4th of July (all day), visited, said some very nice words for my father.

I was really glad to get home. My dogs missed me. I can tell. I was not all that impressed with the cleaning job my house sitter did, but what the hey. I only paid her $50 extra to do it.

Back to work.

Yoga

2008-06-15T06:43:00.002-05:00

I've been going to yoga now for about 3 months. I started going before both Peter and Lee went to the state hotel and resort. I am so grateful for yoga and for the peace I've gotten through practicing it. I'm not a yogi by any means, but every time I come to my mat, I feel better. If there's one thing I've learned is that for the 75 minutes I am practicing, I can keep my mind and body contained within the small rectangle that is my mat. Out in the real world, I find myself using that technique...and often lately. All I've had to do is call to mind what I think in yoga, which is stay right here on your mat. All that I am responsible for is what is within that rectangle. I'm bummed because my punch card is up and I'm broke until I get paid on Friday, so I won't be able to go until next weekend after I get paid. Classes are $15 if they're paid for singly and it's just not affordable for me. I may see about getting a yoga video.

Soul Mate

2008-06-03T21:13:00.000-05:00

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

Eat Pray Love, pg. 149

Power Monkey

2008-06-01T19:55:00.001-05:00

I'm reading a book called Eat Pray Love and it's about a woman's journey to find God. She spends 4 months in Ital, India and Indonesia. I've mentioned to a friend of mine that I'm really struggling lately with Step Two. Step Two is came to believe in a Power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity. It's weird because when I worked the steps in AA, this step wasn't difficult. In Al Anon I'm having difficulty with it. I've had to adopt a new conception of God. Right now I'm calling my God "Power Monkey." It's working for me. I pray every night and every morning to my Power Monkey and I talk to him throughout the day.

New Blogging

2008-05-28T15:26:00.001-05:00

My best friend, Tami, was really stressed that I deleted my blog entries. I was amused a little by her distress. It was, after all, my blog. I do that sort of thing periodically. I have several journals that I’ve kept over the years. Occasionally, I sit down and read all the entries. They seem such a lifetime ago and not very relevant. As a matter of fact, I’ve usually grown so far past the feelings, that I can hardly relate to what I’ve written. I read, then I toss.

I wanted to start a new series in my blog and that’s why I ditched all the previous posts. The whole experience with Lee has been gripping me from the very beginning and continues. The intensity is often excruciating.

This is the post-Lee blog chronicles. The windows and doors in my life are spontaneously opening and closing and right now, I’m just trying to stay the hell out of their way.

YA'LL, I ATE ANOTHER BLOG!!! WHAT ABOUT MY FIGURE??

2008-05-27T15:19:00.001-05:00