Why?

I have a friend I have been fighting/arguing with a lot lately. I'm extremely uncomfortable with that.

My Mom

My sponsor gave me an assignment. It was to write a letter to my Mom. She died in 1987 from lung cancer. It was really quick. She was diagnosed in late 1985 and by June 1987 she was gone. She and my dad NEVER told us that she was terminal. My mom was like that. She was incredibly strong. She would do anything for you. Fierce. I think that would be appropriate. She had a sense of humor that could knock your socks off. My mom and I didn't get along so well while I was a teenager, but by the time I was out of college and married, we'd become best friends. I went over every morning to have coffee with her and my grandmother, her mom, and the same every evening. From her house to mine was probably 8 minutes max. When Teresa said I should write a letter to my mom and tell her how I felt about her dying, I didn't think I'd be able to. I think about my mom just about every day. Sometimes it's fleeting, but sometimes it's not and I wasn't sure I wanted to chance reviving all the memories. I've written the letter, though and I've read it to Teresa. What I discovered while writing it, is that I am grateful for the woman my mom was because...that's who I am. Those qualities she had, humor, strength, fierceness? I have them, too.

The Power of 50

I am 50. I am actually 50 and 3 days. I was prepared for hitting the mid-century mark in some ways, but have found in other ways, am not.

I don't wear junior size clothes anymore. I have to get out my reading glasses to read small print and if I can't find my glasses, a magnifying glass suffices. My hips hurt when it's cold and rainy.

Hate

I have found myself saying I "hate" about two different people lately. That is unsettling.

Frustration

The last few days, beginning Saturday night, I have been teetering on the edge of screaming frustration. NO ONE is doing it right. How arrogant is that? Like I really have a monopoly on what's right? I guess sometimes I feel that way. My parents, for whatever they lacked, really did raise a polite kid so I can't scream and tell impolite people that they're being rude or that the behavior is really juvenile. ARGH!

Last Night

Last night I went to the Chicago Group to hear my friend, Sheri, tell her story. I'm awed at the beautiful woman she has become. I remember meeting her early in her journey and she was CRAZY. Her nickname was Zoom Zoom. She still moves pretty quickly but in a totally different direction. She's very involved in her church, she goes on several mission trips a year, she works tirelessly for the homeless. This is the girl who likes to have pedicures and would love to have unlimited access to Jimmy Choo shoes. She's also the girl who comes home from her mission trips talking about the children she's worked with who have head lice and she hugs anyway. Also the ones who are terribly excited just to be able to go to the bathroom, successfully. I feel very blessed that she (and so many other fabulous women) are in my life. It gives me something to aim for and the bar is pretty high.

Just Some Random Thoughts

In 1995 I got sober, 1997 married and a job I kept for 8 years, 1998 divorced and a dog, 2000 bought my first (and only) house, got a series of dogs, 2000 - 2010 a series of bf's and dogs. 2010??? It's for me, baby.

The Puzzle

I heard once that our lives are like a puzzle. The pieces start out in a box all scrambled up together and one piece at a time the picture gets clearer. The thing is, with the puzzles of my childhood, I got tired of working the puzzle and it lay on the card table with no purpose and no clarity. Usually boredom, a rainy day, a frustrated parent, encouraged me to "work the puzzle" again. So with renewed determination I'd sit at the table and worry the pieces into place. At 49 years old, with some recovery behind me and with wonderful people in my life, I'm beginning to understand that the joy and satisfaction really isn't seeing what the big picture is going to be. It's putting my mind to work and concentrating on what's in front of me. The puzzle pieces are important, yes, but the big picture? God is the only one who knows, really knows, what that is. My purpose is not to "worry" the pieces into place. My purpose is to sit at the table.

Practice

To be a writer one must write. I am pursuing a dream from childhood and to start I have to start writing. I had a great conversation with my friend, Christine, on Saturday and am motivated to follow my heart. Blogging again is a start.