*Sigh*

Breath. I've never consciously thought about my breath until I started taking yoga. Breath is the essence of life. In and out. Our bodies take care of it. We just hang on for the ride, but, I can testify that I can consciously hold my breath. Today about 8 a.m. I took the biggest breath in and let the biggest breath out and then danced around my kitchen. It wasn't ballroom dancing, it was jump up and down and sling your head around dancing. The roommate has left and I am so happy.

August

August 2008 has been the longest month ever. Let me just tell you that I prayed for God's guidance a bunch this month. It has been one of the hardest times emotionally of my sobriety. It's not that the situation has been dire by any means, it's just been very uncomfortable. I was really worried about my finances and thought I'd see about getting a roommate. I put an ad on line and got zero responses for a while and I thought, well that's just God's will right now. Then I got a response and it took a while for her to decide whether she wanted to come live here and I thought, well that's just God's will. Then she moved in and decided two days afterward that it wasn't the right place for her. She paid for the whole month of August, though, and didn't move! I have been so uncomfortable in my own home. I'm pretty sure I haven't slept the whole night through since the beginning of August. It's really beginning to tell on me. God's will apparently isn't always the easier softer path. I'm sure there is a lesson in this for someone. It may not even be me, but I really hope there's something to be learned from this.

Names

I have a theory. I think when children are born, that their parents should only be allowed to give them temporary names. Names the children can answer to until they have an opportunity to decide for themselves what names they like. I'm thinking in particular of someone I know who she and her husband named their daughters two of THE strangest names. I would imagine that when one of them in particular gets to school age, she is going to hate her parents.

I Am

Powerless. I am convinced. The First Step is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--and our lives had become unmanageable." Thirteen words and teeny dash that have changed my life. I am powerless over _______. Just fill in the blank. One day it could be money, one day it could be my job, one day it could be my crazy emotions. And the part after the dash, whoa, that is an ongoing battle for me. The irony of the step, for me, is that I thought I was managing my life. I had every one of the glass balls that are the parts and pieces of my life, up in the air and spinning. Spinning and flying so fast that I couldn't stop. It's like if you start running down a hill. There comes the time when you realize that if you stop you're screwed. You have to keep running or you're going to fall and roll.

I have found through AA a power that I believe in. I call the power God, but it's not the God of my childhood. It's not the God of the First Baptist Church of Hugo OK or the God of the First Presbyterian Church of Hugo. It's MY God and every single time that I allow that God to manage my life, my life and all its spinning and flying balls becomes calmer and more serene.

I've heard from some AA's with long term sobriety that one day I may not have to start running down the hill before I give my unmanageable life back to God.

Corroding Thread

I have been in a funk for the last couple of days. Yesterday, while talking to my best friend, I tried to identify what it was exactly that was bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on it. If I dig really deep, which I don't want to, it will probably end up being fear. It always is. Fear of what I might not get, fear of what I might lose, fear of the what ifs. There's a line in the Big Book that says fear is an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence is shot through with it. That's me, right now. The BB says to review our fears thoroughly and ask ourselves why we had them. "Isn't it because self-reliance failed us?" I keep going back to God is either everything or God is nothing. What is my choice to be. If I believe God is everything, fear goes away because I KNOW God will take care of my every need. If I let myself begin to believe I have my life under control all on my own, then I begin to get fearful because I know I can't handle it.