I Am

Powerless. I am convinced. The First Step is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--and our lives had become unmanageable." Thirteen words and teeny dash that have changed my life. I am powerless over _______. Just fill in the blank. One day it could be money, one day it could be my job, one day it could be my crazy emotions. And the part after the dash, whoa, that is an ongoing battle for me. The irony of the step, for me, is that I thought I was managing my life. I had every one of the glass balls that are the parts and pieces of my life, up in the air and spinning. Spinning and flying so fast that I couldn't stop. It's like if you start running down a hill. There comes the time when you realize that if you stop you're screwed. You have to keep running or you're going to fall and roll.

I have found through AA a power that I believe in. I call the power God, but it's not the God of my childhood. It's not the God of the First Baptist Church of Hugo OK or the God of the First Presbyterian Church of Hugo. It's MY God and every single time that I allow that God to manage my life, my life and all its spinning and flying balls becomes calmer and more serene.

I've heard from some AA's with long term sobriety that one day I may not have to start running down the hill before I give my unmanageable life back to God.